June 12, 2008
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Dear Mom,
This has been a long time coming and now I'm finally hurt, angry and disgusted enough to say something to you.
How can you honestly even think about a summer program for Chloe that would cost almost $600? You constantly tell me how broke you are and yet every time I see you, you've done some new improvement on the house. I've lost absolutely everything I had and you were the one person who had the ability to help turn it around for me. Some if it would have cost nothing. When I said I needed a place to stay, you told me that there wasn't room on the couch for both Doug and I and yet you had a spare room. Those boxes could have been moved elsewhere. I could have had a house to live in instead of a room. I'm filing bankruptcy and my truck has been reposessed and yet you've rebuilt the front of your house and now are offering Chloe a summer program that costs almost a thousand dollars. Yes, maybe your house needed the repairs, but as your daughter, am I not more important? Obviously not. It was also quite obvious when you informed Stewart the night of my birthday party that I was just a guest in your house and I wouldn't be allowed to sleep in the living room. A room that was more comfortable and less cold to me than where you wanted me to sleep. I lay on that floor in pain and major discomfort because you wouldn't allow an air mattress in your living room. The moving of your $500 vase was more important to you than your own flesh and blood...although I don't think I've ever, ever been that to you. I remember when I was 18 and you were in the hall bathroom. I was sitting outside the door on the floor and I had just finished telling you that I wanted to keep my child. Your response was, "If you're going to keep your baby then I think it's time for you to find another place to live." I know, you'll deny all this. Do you remember us not talking until after Dan was born. Do you remember Sue Crockett being there instead. Have I ever meant anything to you? Your words of "I love you" are so empty to me after the way that you've treated me at times. I remember the "choosing" after Grandfather Hess' funeral. I remember you having Laura start the choosing and then the following day Stewart started the choosing. On Sunday morning you asked who had gone first so far. When Stewart answered that he and Laura had gone first, you skipped right over me and went back to Laura. I almost walked away at that point. I didn't because Stewart asked me to stay. Even something as small as that is a kick in teeth after a lifetime of being thrown under the bus by you. I don't want your money and if you can't give it to someone, your own daughter, who needs it badly, I'm certainly not going to accept it as frivolity for my daughter. You can keep your money and if I had the means for Chloe to attend summer school without you, I would. I've had enough of your lies about being broke and then watching you spend your money on something materialistic. It's your money and you have every right to do what you want with it but to not help someone in such extreme need and then to offer a summer program costing almost $1000 is just wrong to me be it me or someone else. To have me offer to pay for gas to take my daughter to school because you made such a huge deal about how you couldn't afford the $4 a day for gas and yet turn around and make major repairs to your house and offer a summer school program like that is a complete slap in the face to me. Please don't continue to sing and dance about being broke, you must think I'm pretty stupid!
**********************I haven't sent this yet, I'm not sure if I'm going to. I need to give my mother an answer as to her offer for Chloe. I suppose I'll politely turn it down as I don't want any backlash for my daughter.
Comments (6)
boy i know how you feel,it was like reading my feelings to my mum,materialistic drives me to the brink of insanity,sure its nice to have good things,but if there was a fire what would you be left with...nothing,flesh and blood is more important then anything,i dont think your mum has grasped this,but until there is a major disaster i dont think she ever will appreciate what she has till its all gone,if your mum is anything like mine then i would have conditions layed out before you give her your answer,the one condition being."you dont want to hear of how she payed for chloe,s education,dont want it thrown up in any conversation,she either does it out the goodness of her heart for the love of her grandaughter,or not at all,do you ever think they harp on about there good deads just to tell a story,to be a martar..... she either can afford it or she cant.make conditions moonlit.but most of all trust your own gut instincts for they are the best x
Just from what I have read, it appears to me that you're mother is resentful of your strength and courage in the decision to keep your child way back when. It looks as though she takes great pleasure in trying to cause you frustration and pain because of her jealousy. It seems that your tentative choice of politely turning down her offer is a wise one. I can see her capable of throwing it back in your face frequently if only to cause you more frustration and pain.
There was a time when my brother hurt me deeply. I wrote him a letter telling him straight out that I loved him and that I will always love him. I went on to tell him that since he could not treat me better than he does, that I was better off loving him from a distance instead of my love being posioned by him. We didn't talk for years. Now, we get along much better. I think that we both needed the time to get past our youth spent together... our way of viewing each other as children and young adults... to see each other in a new light.
I hope that all works out well for you and yours. {{{Hug}}}
ryc: Thank you for your comment. I'm glad that I may have helped in some way.
What will come of you sending this to her? Is her behavior going to change? Is she suddenly going to have that epiphany all of us with crap moms want them to have? As long as I've read you talking about your mom, I'd have to say the answer is no. She'd prolly just wave it in the air, another 'look at me, I'm so unappreciated' flag. So why give her more ammo?
I'm not saying you're not in the right. Trust me, you're preaching to the choir. But at the end of the day, we aren't and have never been a priority in their lives. One letter isn't going to change that. If I sound harsh, I don't mean to be, but I had a similar conversation with my therapist who asked me why I was continuing to waste energy on someone who couldn't bother to give any to me. Letting go is hard as hell. Acceptance that our mothers aren't going to turn into Donna Reed any time soon (more like never) is harder. And letting our children have relationships with people we know are toxic is even harder still.
But kids are smart. If she doesn't already, your daughter knows full well exactly what Grandma is like. They've seen it firsthand, processed it and know that behind the money is a nasty manipulative soul. So ask Chloe what she wants to do. (Because, yes, everyone is more important than we are to them. It doesn't change.)
Again, I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful. I've stood in your shoes in one degree or another (in the past year even), and I ended up doing one helluva cleansing ritual to get all that crap out/off me. And I'm due for another soon. **HUGS** Moms shouldn't suck. I'm sorry yours continues to be a Hoover.
I don't know who I agree with here, those who say to send it and those who say not to. It may not change a thing... but then, nothing has changed WITHOUT telling her your feelings. Maybe you should wait until you can say these things to her with fewer emotion-charged words? But then she'd think you didn't mean it.
I told my mother a couple years ago about my abuse at the hands of my uncle (who was living in our house) and she told me that if she knew about it, she wouldn't have stood for it, like she has always been on the attack against child abuse. My parents refused to listen to or believe me then, why should I believe her now? I can remember, with various specific incidents I can point to, all the times I said my feet hurt, and Mom just saying that I should stop complaining... but then, so did all my doctors over the years, until one finally took x-rays of my feet last March.
Our parents grew up in a different world. Does that excuse them? No. The best gift we can give them is to NOT pass it along to our children and grandchildren... and also not pass along our anger about them.
I'm having trouble believing myself here, so I understand if you don't. You know I'm there for you, and hope things work out however you choose to pursue them.
Hugs,
Moss
Awww, geez.........I empathize w/ your situation. Sounds like your mum has some serious issues. That are NOT gonna dissappear for anything. What a sad, selfish person she is.
My own mother was very much like yours....I had to call the police on RBX on many occasions after he had physically abused me & threatened my children...my "mother" got in my face about calling the police because she feared that someone would see the police report listed in the paper & ruin "HER" reputation. I guess I was supposed to taking a beating & keep my mouth shut to protect her imagined "status" in this one horse town.
It got to the point that she was intermittantly "generous" w/ money for my children & I accepted the money to make my children's lives better. Since money was the most important thing to her, I felt like every dollar my kids got off the old bat was a victory.
Any time I tried to discuss the problems w/ our mother/daughter relationship, she became furious, blamed me for all the problems (I'd had a child "out of wedlock" & "embarrassed her to death") & she would end up screaming epithets at me & throwing anything she could at me. She even called me a "son of a bitch" to my face. I came back w/ "nah, mom, Daughter of a bitch" This, after I had cleaned her entire filthy house & fixed it up quite nicely so she could have "open house showings" when she was selling her home. She was mad because (she said) "This is NOT the way I live..I don't want this sh*t here" I tried to explain that potential buyers definately did NOT want to see how SHE lived (packrat), but needed to see something pleasant & organized. I left before she could attack me again.
She remained nasty & selfish until the day she died in my arms...yeah, after all that crap, I was the one who stepped in & cared for her during her final illness... her "freinds" had deserted her & no one else in the family wanted anything to do w/ her.
I would agree w/ ^^ that it might be an idea to ask your daughter what she'd like to do about the summer program....it could be a good thing for her & she is smart enuff to know what "granma" is up to.
(sorry this turned into a post..my bad
)
Love & Blessings to yas..........AbbeyC
((((((((((HUGS!))))))))))
Aw man, I'm sooo sorry...If you need to perform the act of sending it though, make up an address, anywhere in the world (you could even put "The Bowels of Hell" if that would make you laugh...),but put your mom's name on the envelope with no return address.
Personally, I wouldn't send it to her because from the sounds of her, it very well could backlash on your daughter.-M
BTW-I LOVE the background!
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