Doug always used to call me his Shewolf and I called him my Lobo. He said we were like wolves who mate for life. We used to have a few pictures up of two wolves cuddling and we used to say we were like them. To this day, it still hurts to see a picture of a wolf. However, I was on a website and I came across a journal that had a Wolf on the front and a little voice in my head which I refer to as the “Being that loves and protects me” said to me, “use the power of the Wolf”. So I decided to look up what that power meant. None of the below are my words, they come from the websites in which I will link the wisdom to:

This Site fit me perfectly:
The wolf, is a symbol of the night. This time can seem lonesome and scary tous. But it is also the time when through dreams, we may discover valuablethings about ourselves. This is a lonely path. To truly come to understandyourself, you must be alone, undeterred by the beliefs, judgements and viewsof others. The wolf teaches us to learn about our inner self and todiscover our inner power and strength. However, to achieve this, we musttake risks and face our deepest fears. Wolf requires sincerity. Thoughdemanding a lot of us, much is given in return; a spirit helper that isalways there to help, giving us extraordinary powers of endurance. Learn tohear the voice within yourself, which in silence is as clear as the sound ofthe wolf howling in the night.

Wolf is also an extremely gregarious animal, enjoying the company of others.Wolves mate for life. The clan has a solid social structure, in which alladults participate in the upbringing of the young. Wolves are fiercely loyalto their mates, with a strong sense of family whilst upholdingindividualism. Though their clans are highly organized, they are truly freespirits. They seem to go out of their way to avoid a fight. A shift inposture, a growl, or a glance gets the point across quite readily withoutviolence. We are reminded not to waste resources and to learn how to avoidtrouble and confrontations. People with Wolf as power animal have theability to make quick and firm emotional attachments. Trust your insightsabout these attachments, wolf will be there to guide you. Take control ofyour life with Wolf’s assistance and do so with harmony and discipline.

We can truly use wolf as an example in our lives. We can understand thatthere doesn’t need to be a hard separation between the solitary and socialpaths. Wolf teaches you to balance between the needs your family has of youand the needs you have for yourself. Wolves are totally loyal to the packbut do not give up their identity to the pack. If wolf has come into yourlife you must look at where you are being too dependent and where youmay be too independent. 
Wolf brings faithfulness, inner strength andintuition when he enters our lives, and also teaches us to live withourselves.

The Wolf’s senses are highly developed. They are extremely intelligent withexcellent hearing, sense of smell and strong feeling. As well as beingdetermined animals they are also cunning. A wolfs howl is primal andpenetrating. The howl is used to locate clan members or to let wolves fromoutside of the pack know their territory boundaries. If you hear a wolfhowl, this may be telling you to stand your ground and defend yourboundaries.

Wolves hunt in packs, depending on endurance to run down weak and olderanimals. They have been known to cover 35 miles a day in pursuit. Wolf is asymbol of stamina and strength, teaching you to know who you are, and todevelop strength and confidence in what you do.

Wolf’s medicine includes death and rebirth, facing death with dignity andcourage, Spirit teaching, guidance in dreams and meditations, instinctlinked with intelligence, social and family values, steadfastness, skill inprotection of self and family, outwitting enemies, ability to pass unseen,taking advantage of change.

Wow. I had tears in my eyes when I finished reading that. It seemed to describe me both as a single woman standing alone and pressing on, healing and regaining my stance and as a she-wolf in a pack, in a family and holding that family together regardless of circumstance. The overwhelming feeling that I got when I finished reading that was, “Fight for your Family.” That family could be with or without Doug, I wasn’t sure.
*** Anyone with a strong sense of intuition is welcome to chime in. I believe answers come from everywhere.

Here is another site. This paragraph summed up the entire message:
Positive meanings emphasize  a deep connection with your intuition and instincts. On the negative side, the wolf could represent a perceived threat or a lack of trust in someone or your own feelings or actions. This spirit animal also reflects sharp intelligence in dealing with important matters.

When you have the wolf as a spirit animal, it could be an expression of your sharp intelligence and strong instincts. The wolf symbolizes a strong connection with instincts and when it appears as a animal spirit guide, it could point to a way of perceiving and understanding the world around you that works similarly.

Whether the wolf appears in physical form or in a dream or meditation, it may reveal that you’re using your instincts and intuition to grasp a situation well. The fact that your wolf animal spirit guide shows up could also be a call to use this capacity to deal with a recent challenge you’ve experienced in your life.

If the presence of the wolf feels threatening, pay attention to how your instinctual nature and raw emotions can jeopardize your balance or the balance of people around you. Your power animal may appear in such light to warn you about devouring instincts of those belonging to somebody around you.

A wolf totem animal can represent a perceived threat or feeling you are being threatened. The presence of this spirit animal could be a reminder of an event, situation or a person you feel threatened by.

The wolf could reflect something that may have a “predatory” feel to it and instill a feeling of vulnerability that is not reassuring. Encountering your spirit animal in such a way invites you to look at who or what in your life is having such an influence.

Perhaps your spirit animal is warning you about challenges with personal boundaries: You may feel you have exposed yourself too much with someone or in a certain situation and need to pull back or strengthen emotional or physical boundaries with that person or in the context of that experience. The wolf as a spirit animal could also remind you that you’re facing stiff competition at work or that the behavior of people around may feel like you have to deal with a “pack of wolves”.

This web site spoke of the vulnerability I have felt with regard to Doug. It’s very hard to still love someone and not have that love returned. I have literally had to protect myself from seeing him, and having contact with him because it hurts too much. It also speaks of listening to your intuition and so in regard to that, I do not feel that it has been wrong to protect myself from Doug. One because he is not a nice person to me anymore and two because I need to protect my own heart because I do still love him.

While a lot of people are drawn to grey wolves, I am drawn to brown and just now came across this:

Brown Wolf:
They teach the lessons of health and healing. How to use the forces of nature in conjunction with the earthly knowledge of medicine to maintain a balance between the mind/body/spirit connections.
That directly correlates to what I am going through with my heart, my health and my head!!!

And from this website:

Wolf’s Wisdom Includes:

• Facing the end of one’s cycle with dignity and courage
• Death and rebirth
• Spirit teaching
• Guidance in dreams and meditations
• Instinct linked with intelligence
• Social and familial values
• Outwitting enemies
• Ability to pass unseen
• Steadfastness
• Skill in protection of self and family
• Taking advantage of change

This one seems to say to accept the death of our relationship and look to the rebirth of my own life and the life of my family. I have been told by one who’s wisdom I greatly value that Doug will be back once he goes through all he needs to go through in order to come back and be the man he needs to be. It almost seems that this is telling me to protect myself while this is happening and keep my family close to me and intact. I include Doug’s children in this as well and have been keeping in contact with them, however I do not share my wariness of their father with them.

My Inner Voice told me that this was to be the last site:

It is believed that our brother, the wolf, is a path finder, a bringer of new ideas returning to the people to deliver teachings and to allow us to learn and participate in knowing our heritage and spiritual path, sharing good medicine. The wolf teaches us how to live with one mate throughout life. This is an important lesson as humans are herd animals with an alpha leader and a harem mentality. If we follow brother wolf we can learn loyalty. The wolf pack provides an enormous sense of belonging and family, even within the pack, while retaining its individuality.

Growth comes through acceptance of all forms of life and the acknowledgement of the lessons they can teach. Become the wolf spirit and follow the sense of discovery you feel. You may find that you stop crying at the moon in despair and become the embodiment of psychic energies symbolized by the moon. When you do…remember to pass this teaching on by becoming someone else’s wolf spirit guide.

The message that I got from that was that even though one Wolf has strayed from the pack, I am to continue to stay with the pack, my family, until that wolf returns. Because wolves are creatures of loyalty and packs, I am thinking that after Doug goes through what he needs to go through, that he will return to the pack as the power of the wolf teaches us to live with one mate. In summing all this up it seems as though I am to continue on in my journey of healing and healing my family and to move forward with my family, our pack. It also seems to say to me that though he has strayed for whatever reasons he has, that Doug, because he has equated us to wolves will be held in that regard and will join his pack when he is ready. Wolf’s wisdom teaches us of individuality as well as pack mentality and not to lose your individuality to the pack. I think in all the ways that Doug took care of me and that I had to come first because of my health, he felt like he lost his individuality and is now going about regaining it.  I don’t blame him in the least for feeling this way. I only wish that he could have communicated this and that we could have worked through this in our marriage. Although when you truly think about the magnitude of feeling that way, I’m not sure it could really be effectively put into words. If this is the case, and I believe it is, then I don’t blame him in the least for feeling that he had to get away and find himself again.This was a wonderful, wonderful message to me in being told to use the power of the wolf!!

*Maintain my individuality
*Continue to heal
*Stand firm with my pack (family) without losing my individuality
As Wolves mate for life,  and Doug has stated out loud that we are as wolves and wolves mate for life, I think Doug will be held to this. Wedding vows are written by others and repeated often but words such as, “We are like wolves and wolves mate for life” and “You are my soulmate and I’ve always believed we belong together.” are to me, binding and contractual within the universe. I believe that because these words were stated out loud to me and because we were faithful to each other throughout our marriage and that because I’ve told him that the door is open should he want to work things out, and that I meant those words, that Doug will be held accountable for his words and will be returned to our family pack once he has gained his individuality.

The following are tidbits I found on different sites:

The wolf spirit totem symbolizes your inner teacher. Trust in your many senses and intuition and you will connect to your meaning and blaze your own path on the journey of life.

The wolf will also give you great stamina and perseverance, the ability to continue for miles, across ice and snow, until you reach your destination.  Wolf spirit will increase your intelligence and adaptability, so you are able to find the right path, whether it is through a dense forest or crossing a snowy mountain.
Wherever life takes you and however things are there, just reach down deep into your heart and you will feel the wolf there, helping you find your way.

Funny how the Wolf is Doug’s Native American Zodiak sign. I am a Falcon.

I think this was an amazing lesson for me when my Guide told me to “use the power of the wolf.”!! What a wonderfully blessed woman I am!!

This is the exact picture we hung above our bed which inspired him to say what we did. Jody Bergsma did a beautiful job!

Titled

Love Is The Beginning Of All Things Beautiful

Today is my anniversary. It’s his birthday too. I obviously didn’t tell him happy anniversary but I didn’t tell him happy birthday either. I figure he kicked me to the curb when he left, why should I bother with any of the birthday niceties that would come from a wife? I wanted to tell him happy birthday, I really did. One of the things that my support group for Separated Women talks about is that the person who left needs to experience life without any of the family around or any family niceties or any family memories. That the person who left needs to realize that they are the one that caused their own isolation. That there is less of a chance of reconciliation if the person who was left behind is always putting themselves back in the leaver’s life. It is so not in my nature to not wish someone a happy birthday. I am friends with all of my other exes. However, this time is different because I was the one left behind.
Today feels very lonely. I slept most of the day away, hoping to not have to feel this way.
The real pisser about all of this is that I’m finding out more things from my kids of things he said and did to them. It turns out he’s the real reason my middle son never came around anymore. There is such anger in vehemence in my son’s voice, that it broke my heart. So here I am pining away over a man who was an ass to my kids, what kind of a mother does that make me? Not a very good one in my book! My kids have flat out told me that if we ever got back together again that they would not come down to visit me, I would have to go up there to see them. I honestly don’t blame them after the things that I heard. The funny thing or ironic thing about it is my son was made to feel like an outcast because he didn’t fit in with Doug and his boys. But it’s Doug and his boys that really didn’t fit in anywhere else. Doug never taught his children to behave in public and whenever we would go out it was very embarrassing to me and I found out to my children too. I always saw Doug try to accept my children when I was around, but I’m finding that they often times made fun of my kids when I wasn’t around. I don’t think his kids really realized what they were doing or how much hurt it was causing. They were following their father’s behavior. His kids really do have good hearts. There isn’t a one of them that has the vindictive, mean, cruel streak that their father has. I knew that streak was there, but it was never directed towards me during our marriage. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would find myself on the other side of it. Apparently, my children felt it during our marriage but didn’t make me aware of it. That pretty much makes it a dealbreaker concerning reconciliation unless he was willing to go to counseling not only alone but with us as a family as well and obviously with me. It would be a cold day in hell before he would ever agree to that. So while it still really hurts to have been kicked to the curb, it makes it better to see, really see what an ass he was. The ironic thing is that he considers himself a good Christian man. It’s not Christianity that I’m knocking, it’s Doug. I don’t know of any Christian man who would walk out on their families and not even bother to try working on their marriage. This is a man who made me his wife in every sense of the word and then threw me away like yesterday’s newspaper. I think God needs talk to him about his behavior! LOL In my own humble opinion, I think that God would be pretty embarrassed to have somebody who behaves like Doug claim to even be a Christian. And here I am judging my husband, I guess that doesn’t say much for me either LOL.

So much has happened I was last here. I couldn’t talk about it for very long time. This is going to be a place where I can deposit my emotions. Write them, get them off my heart, and leave them here.

I have been living in hell since November. The man I love with all my heart came to me at the beginning of November and told me that he didn’t think he loved me anymore and no longer wanted to continue our marriage. It was a complete shock to me. We hadn’t been fighting, he hadn’t been complaining and I thought we were doing really, really well. In the beginning of December he moved out and moved in with his best friend and his best friend’s mom. In the beginning of January, he told me he wanted to divorce. I never hurt so badly in my entire life. Living with the fear, and uncertainty and possible death sentence from cancer was by far easier than this has been.

Not only did he walk out on me, he ripped my life apart and the lives of our family as well. My daughter and I are now living by ourselves. He is still living with his best friend and says there is no one else. I had to find homes for three of my dogs, my snakes, and my bearded Dragon. I was able to keep my Maltese, my four cats and chopper my lab just came back to me.

When he sees me, he always hugs me before leaving. You often give me a kiss on the cheek or on top of my head. What kind of man who says he wants a divorce does this? The last time he owed me money, I didn’t even have to remind him. He not only brought it over of his own free will but he stayed for an hour and a half just to visit. The messages are so mixed and so confusing that it rips me apart. What comes out of his mouth is very different than his actions. It’s like he’s left me physically but has not disconnected for me emotionally. I still love this man with every fiber of my being. The six years that we were together were living hell. Everything from pneumonia, to cancer, to unemployment, to losing everything we had. Nowhere in those six years did we ever catch a break. My therapist says that he was just so overwhelmed with six years of nothing good that he just snapped one day when he couldn’t take it anymore. That, of course is not his story but I’m more apt to believe my therapist.

I’m at the point where I wish God would just wipe out my feelings for him. I want more than anything for him to come back. I can’t keep going on from day to day with such excruciating pain in may heart. I know one day it will get better but it’s been five months and I still can’t believe how badly I hurt. Every day he is the first thing on my mind and I wonder if deep inside somewhere he still loves me but that it is buried underneath everything else. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that this would ever happen. I thought we were happy, I know I was happy. Every night when I would go to bed I would pray that nothing would ever take him away from me. I never dreamed that this would be allowed to happen to me. I feel so powerless and helpless because I can’t force him to change his mind. I wouldn’t want him back that way, only of his own accord, but if there were a way to sway him, I wish I had that option.

I am seeing a therapist once a week and I’m going to a support group for Separated Women once a week. It helps to know that I’m not alone and my story is not half as bad as what some of those women have been through! I’ve never been physically abused and to the best of my knowledge, have never been cheated on.

I just want this nightmare to end. I want to wake up, roll over and snuggle into his arms like I used to. God, I need for this to end. Please take this pain away! Please heal him from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from the past six years and let the love we had for each other resurface. Considering that he still hugs me, hangs out for a while and kisses me even on the cheek, I can’t help but feel that the love is still there, just buried under all the crap. He doesn’t act like an angry man who wants a divorce!

I’m sorry if this is a downer for any of you reading this but please keep in mind that this is my dumping ground. If you can find it in your heart to pray for me and to send me healing energy I would so appreciate it!

Please pardon any mistakes you might see, I’m doing this on my phone as I do not yet have my Internet hooked up in my new place.