March 7, 2013

• Journey Through Pain and Devestation

  So much has happened I was last here. I couldn’t talk about it for very long time. This is going to be a place where I can deposit my emotions. Write them, get them off my heart, and leave them here.

  I have been living in hell since November. The man I love with all my heart came to me at the beginning of November and told me that he didn’t think he loved me anymore and no longer wanted to continue our marriage. It was a complete shock to me. We hadn’t been fighting, he hadn’t been complaining and I thought we were doing really, really well. In the beginning of December he moved out and moved in with his best friend and his best friend’s mom. In the beginning of January, he told me he wanted to divorce. I never hurt so badly in my entire life. Living with the fear, and uncertainty and possible death sentence from cancer was by far easier than this has been.

  Not only did he walk out on me, he ripped my life apart and the lives of our family as well. My daughter and I are now living by ourselves. He is still living with his best friend and says there is no one else. I had to find homes for three of my dogs, my snakes, and my bearded Dragon. I was able to keep my Maltese, my four cats and chopper my lab just came back to me.

  When he sees me, he always hugs me before leaving. You often give me a kiss on the cheek or on top of my head. What kind of man who says he wants a divorce does this? The last time he owed me money, I didn’t even have to remind him. He not only brought it over of his own free will but he stayed for an hour and a half just to visit. The messages are so mixed and so confusing that it rips me apart. What comes out of his mouth is very different than his actions. It’s like he’s left me physically but has not disconnected for me emotionally. I still love this man with every fiber of my being. The six years that we were together were living hell. Everything from pneumonia, to cancer, to unemployment, to losing everything we had. Nowhere in those six years did we ever catch a break. My therapist says that he was just so overwhelmed with six years of nothing good that he just snapped one day when he couldn’t take it anymore. That, of course is not his story but I’m more apt to believe my therapist.

  I’m at the point where I wish God would just wipe out my feelings for him. I want more than anything for him to come back. I can’t keep going on from day to day with such excruciating pain in may heart. I know one day it will get better but it’s been five months and I still can’t believe how badly I hurt. Every day he is the first thing on my mind and I wonder if deep inside somewhere he still loves me but that it is buried underneath everything else. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that this would ever happen. I thought we were happy, I know I was happy. Every night when I would go to bed I would pray that nothing would ever take him away from me. I never dreamed that this would be allowed to happen to me. I feel so powerless and helpless because I can’t force him to change his mind. I wouldn’t want him back that way, only of his own accord, but if there were a way to sway him, I wish I had that option.

  I am seeing a therapist once a week and I’m going to a support group for Separated Women once a week. It helps to know that I’m not alone and my story is not half as bad as what some of those women have been through! I’ve never been physically abused and to the best of my knowledge, have never been cheated on.

  I just want this nightmare to end. I want to wake up, roll over and snuggle into his arms like I used to. God, I need for this to end. Please take this pain away! Please heal him from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from the past six years and let the love we had for each other resurface. Considering that he still hugs me, hangs out for a while and kisses me even on the cheek, I can’t help but feel that the love is still there, just buried under all the crap. He doesn’t act like an angry man who wants a divorce!

  I’m sorry if this is a downer for any of you reading this but please keep in mind that this is my dumping ground. If you can find it in your heart to pray for me and to send me healing energy I would so appreciate it!

  Please pardon any mistakes you might see, I’m doing this on my phone as I do not yet have my Internet hooked up in my new place.

  • 4:52 am
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