March 10, 2013
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Happy anniversary to me
Today is my anniversary. It’s his birthday too. I obviously didn’t tell him happy anniversary but I didn’t tell him happy birthday either. I figure he kicked me to the curb when he left, why should I bother with any of the birthday niceties that would come from a wife? I wanted to tell him happy birthday, I really did. One of the things that my support group for Separated Women talks about is that the person who left needs to experience life without any of the family around or any family niceties or any family memories. That the person who left needs to realize that they are the one that caused their own isolation. That there is less of a chance of reconciliation if the person who was left behind is always putting themselves back in the leaver’s life. It is so not in my nature to not wish someone a happy birthday. I am friends with all of my other exes. However, this time is different because I was the one left behind.
Today feels very lonely. I slept most of the day away, hoping to not have to feel this way.
The real pisser about all of this is that I’m finding out more things from my kids of things he said and did to them. It turns out he’s the real reason my middle son never came around anymore. There is such anger in vehemence in my son’s voice, that it broke my heart. So here I am pining away over a man who was an ass to my kids, what kind of a mother does that make me? Not a very good one in my book! My kids have flat out told me that if we ever got back together again that they would not come down to visit me, I would have to go up there to see them. I honestly don’t blame them after the things that I heard. The funny thing or ironic thing about it is my son was made to feel like an outcast because he didn’t fit in with Doug and his boys. But it’s Doug and his boys that really didn’t fit in anywhere else. Doug never taught his children to behave in public and whenever we would go out it was very embarrassing to me and I found out to my children too. I always saw Doug try to accept my children when I was around, but I’m finding that they often times made fun of my kids when I wasn’t around. I don’t think his kids really realized what they were doing or how much hurt it was causing. They were following their father’s behavior. His kids really do have good hearts. There isn’t a one of them that has the vindictive, mean, cruel streak that their father has. I knew that streak was there, but it was never directed towards me during our marriage. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would find myself on the other side of it. Apparently, my children felt it during our marriage but didn’t make me aware of it. That pretty much makes it a dealbreaker concerning reconciliation unless he was willing to go to counseling not only alone but with us as a family as well and obviously with me. It would be a cold day in hell before he would ever agree to that. So while it still really hurts to have been kicked to the curb, it makes it better to see, really see what an ass he was. The ironic thing is that he considers himself a good Christian man. It’s not Christianity that I’m knocking, it’s Doug. I don’t know of any Christian man who would walk out on their families and not even bother to try working on their marriage. This is a man who made me his wife in every sense of the word and then threw me away like yesterday’s newspaper. I think God needs talk to him about his behavior! LOL In my own humble opinion, I think that God would be pretty embarrassed to have somebody who behaves like Doug claim to even be a Christian. And here I am judging my husband, I guess that doesn’t say much for me either LOL.
Comments (4)
*hugs*
Moving forward is hard, but the drama you know isn’t worth the happiness you deserve. Keep taking those baby steps.
You know that you will say things that are not like you while you are adjusting to a new life without him. But you know that he owes you most of the good things in his life and he was a good part of yours… nobody can get everything right, but he stuck with you through a lot. Not going to take his side, just going to help you forgive him later when you are over this.
You are an incredible woman. You have lived through things very few others have. There were times you had to do it yourself, times you needed the support of your friends, and times your family was there. But you are the one who did it.
You have long since earned my respect and friendship, and I hope to never lose yours.
Hugs,
Moss
@mordewis -
Thank you, Moss! Yes, this Xanga page is my dumping ground so you may see and hear a lot of negativity, but I have to put it somewhere. That doesn’t mean at the end of the day I won’t be forgiving him as I will. I still love him with all my heart and he seriously was there for me during my illness and I can’t thank him enough for that. However, he did walk out on me and as my husband who professed to love me, told me I was his best friend and that we would grow old together and knowing how seriously ill I still am, only to kick me aside, that in itself is unconscionable! So yes, while my heart is grateful on one hand of all the things he did for me, it is now sobbing in pain at being left by the wayside while he journeys on. It’s just the way it is and I make no apologies for what I write here, again, it has to go somewhere.
There is no need whatever for you to apologize, least of all to me. It hurts, and you are completely in the right to tell us about it. I just try to make sure that long-term you keep your head on straight, just as you would tell me when I’m going through hell.
Wallow all you like, just make a plan to get out of the pool when you’re ready.