August 11, 2012
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Pure Hell
Yesterday and today have been the utmost of Hell. I can't remember when I've hurt so bad and there's only been one other time when I hurt so bad I couldn't sit down. Yesterday was different though. Neither the Norco nor the Opium nor the Norco and Opium together even remotely touched the pain. I know it's not because I'm getting used to them and they're becoming ineffectual because I take special care to make sure that's not the case. I refuse to go to a higher dosage of drugs so when I feel they're not as effectual, I back them down a notch and either just take the lumps or compensate with Advil instead. It usually only takes a day or two before I can go back to taking the full dose and having them work. Yesterday though was horrible. It reminded me of when I had Chloe by C-section and the anesthesia didn't work. I felt the whole thing and there was nothing they could do. Once you cut someone open for a birth, you can't stop or go back. They tried to put me completely under and really ramped up the morphine but that didn't work either. I think by then it was psychological as I was already in so much pain. I don't have a reason for yesterday, though and that's troubling. Today I've really been in a lot of pain as well, much more so than usual but at least when I took the Norco today it took the edge off and when I finally gave in and took the Opium it worked really well. Go figure.
Lately I've been feeling like I've been dropped off here on Earth by the Gods and then forgotten. I know without a doubt in my mind that that's not the case and for some reason I'm supposed to be going through this as a life lesson, but then my human stupidness kicks in and I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I have trouble with logically separating the two. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm a spiritual being having a physical experience but frankly, this physical experience SUCKS!! I'm seriously at the point where I need to hear from my Spirit Guide. I need to know they're here for me and that I'm not alone in this and that I'm not forgotten. My husband and children a wonderful support but they're from the human realm, not the spiritual. They can only understand so much. My husband is the greatest human gift that I've been given in addition to my children. I say it that way because my husband is not the father of my children. There are two things that are keeping me here. One, I know I'm going through this for a reason and that I have to complete the lessons that this experience is to teach me. If I short cut it, I'd have to do it all over again. There is absolutely no way in Hell that I would want to start this lifetime over again. 1-Child abuse, both physical and mental 2-Teen pregnancy and being thrown out of the house 3-Spousal abuse 4-Death of a spouse (no I did not kill him although at times I wanted to!) 5- Divorce 6-Cancer 3x's 7- Losing every material possession I owned through my apartment flooding when I was in the hospital with cancer and because when I had the cancer our financial situation was so bad that everything I had was repossessed. I went through Chemo and Radiation in a friend's spare bedroom on an air mattress 8-My situation now, both health-wise and financial. Most people go through one or two of those in their lifetime but not all of it. There is no way in Hell I'd start this life over again! My second reason for still being here is my husband and my children. I would never want to put them through the pain of an unnatural death. What a cruel and unkind thing that would be for me to do to them! I'm not suicidal by any means, it's just the logical idea of not having to live in this hell on earth, day in and day out, every minute of my day with no relief in site......thus my feeling of having been abandoned here on Earth in this life. A vicious cycle! It's also times like this when the thought is given to me that I have the steel core and strength of the Goddess and I will go on and I will make it through this whether there's a rainbow and a pot of gold at the end or not....my human side sooooooooooo hopes there's a HUGE pot of gold at the end, or at least not too close to the end so I can still enjoy it!
Comments (4)
That is so harsh that you've had to go through all of that in one lifetime. And, that you are going through so much still. I hope that you can get in contact with your Spirit Guide soon. Could the pain be blocking something? I wish that I knew how to connect with my Spirit Guide. My heart goes out to you and yours.
I'd hate to think you were here just to give me inspiration, but I'm probably not the only one. Even so, at some point we should be giving you comfort. You hang in there until you're tired of hanging in there, and Goddess will take care of the rest and we'll get you a nice rest home in Summerland. Bright blessings and huge hippo hugs.
BTW, The Editor In Me can't help but let you know that the plural of Echo is Echoes, or even Echos, but not Echo's. You never pluralize with an apostrophe.
@Moss
Haha, thank you Moss for correcting me. I was actually thinking of the heart's echoes and so when I wrote it, the dyslexic in me mixed it up but when I saw it, I liked it the way it was and forgot to correct the grammar. I am now corrected, but I did know that you never pluralize with an apostrophe.
Thank you for what you said about Summerland. I like that. One can never go wrong with the advice of leaving it up to the Goddess!
@Broom Service
I never considered that the pain might be blocking me from seeing what my Guides are doing for me. It certainly makes sense as I find myself tensing up when in pain. Thank you for that thought, I'll have to see what I can do about not blocking things when I'm in pain.
Blessings and thanks to both of you!
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