August 18, 2012

• I always wanted to take mortuary science and be a mortician. In High School I took a class on Thanatology, the study of death and dying. I found it fascinating. I guess even back then it was a calling for me. I’ve always looked at being a mortician as being able to give a person one last  hurrah from this life. One last kind thing for them regardless of how they lived their life here on earth. Sort of a send off without judgement so that when they got to where they were going, they were cleansed in a way from not being judged in death. Each person, regardless of the choices they’ve made in life was, at one time, an innocent little being. Someone’s baby girl or baby boy. I was with my Grandfather when he died. He was in City of Hope having had colon cancer. He closed his eyes and took his last breath. I watched his spirit float out of his body. He grinned and waved goodbye. Ever since then, I knew I had the right idea about death. It’s a release and the ones that truly suffer in death are not the ones dying, but the ones left behind in heartache and tears from the knowledge that they’ll never see their loved one again.

  I am ready to die. I’ve looked at death closely several times and one time was given a choice to go or stay and the other time, when I coded on the recovery table, I was flat out turned away. When I was given the choice, I immediately thought of my children and knew I had to stay. 2 weeks later the 3rd cancer was discovered and removed. That would have been my ticket out of here. It was inside my gallbladder and never would have been detected till it was too late. Because I chose to stay, I had gallstones that needed to be removed and the cancer was found at that time. You’ll ask how I know I was given a choice. I woke up one morning, too weak to lift my head off the pillow. I was dizzy and things were spinning in front of me although I hadn’t moved. I just knew, just a knowledge that if I were to close my eyes again, it would be over. I could go. I’ve never regretted that I chose to stay. My children weren’t and still aren’t ready to be without me. I am their sole support system for all 3 of them. My Cubby Bear has chosen not to have a relationship with his father for good reason and so there is just me. My family is not a support system for even me, they would never be there for my children. My younger two, Rooskie Two Shoes and Squirrel have a relationship with their father but he’s a weak drunk. There is no support there. I knew it would be bad for them to be left alone in this life.

  The day I coded in recovery after my last surgery, last summer,  I was ALMOST there. I could see the deep green, lush meadow that I was heading for and then bam, I was back in my body again. I woke up SO angry with the nurses that revived me! They had a mask over my face and were pushing on my heart to get it to beat. I remember waking up and slapping the mask off my face. I didn’t want to be back. I think because when I chose to stay, I signed on for another period of time, no matter how long that might or might not be, I’m here for the duration. It was such a relief that at one point I was told I could go if I wanted to. I knew at that point that I had accomplished whatever it was that I was meant to do.

  I don’t know why I felt the need to write what I just did. It’s nice having my “own room” where I can say whatever is on my mind and heart. I can’t always do that around my family. They tend to panic when I say I’m “ready to go”. I remember the first time my husband came in when I was crying from pain in the bathroom and he said, “can I get you anything?” I replied, “a bullet”. That didn’t go over so well! He tends to “Polly Anna” things and try to put a bright side on everything. It used to just drive me insane. I used to tell him to just let me be angry and sad and depressed, Now I see that the “Polly Anna” side is for him. He needs to say those things to make himself feel better. We’ve agreed that when I really need to vent, he needs to let me whether what I say scares him or not, but that I need to get those things off my chest and that I’ll tell him when those times are and the rest of the time he can “Polly Anna” to his heart’s content.

  Compromise even in death.
  

  • 7:28 pm
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