Yesterday and today have been the utmost of Hell. I can't remember when I've hurt so bad and there's only been one other time when I hurt so bad I couldn't sit down. Yesterday was different though. Neither the Norco nor the Opium nor the Norco and Opium together even remotely touched the pain. I know it's not because I'm getting used to them and they're becoming ineffectual because I take special care to make sure that's not the case. I refuse to go to a higher dosage of drugs so when I feel they're not as effectual, I back them down a notch and either just take the lumps or compensate with Advil instead. It usually only takes a day or two before I can go back to taking the full dose and having them work. Yesterday though was horrible. It reminded me of when I had Chloe by C-section and the anesthesia didn't work. I felt the whole thing and there was nothing they could do. Once you cut someone open for a birth, you can't stop or go back. They tried to put me completely under and really ramped up the morphine but that didn't work either. I think by then it was psychological as I was already in so much pain. I don't have a reason for yesterday, though and that's troubling. Today I've really been in a lot of pain as well, much more so than usual but at least when I took the Norco today it took the edge off and when I finally gave in and took the Opium it worked really well. Go figure.
Lately I've been feeling like I've been dropped off here on Earth by the Gods and then forgotten. I know without a doubt in my mind that that's not the case and for some reason I'm supposed to be going through this as a life lesson, but then my human stupidness kicks in and I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I have trouble with logically separating the two. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm a spiritual being having a physical experience but frankly, this physical experience SUCKS!! I'm seriously at the point where I need to hear from my Spirit Guide. I need to know they're here for me and that I'm not alone in this and that I'm not forgotten. My husband and children a wonderful support but they're from the human realm, not the spiritual. They can only understand so much. My husband is the greatest human gift that I've been given in addition to my children. I say it that way because my husband is not the father of my children. There are two things that are keeping me here. One, I know I'm going through this for a reason and that I have to complete the lessons that this experience is to teach me. If I short cut it, I'd have to do it all over again. There is absolutely no way in Hell that I would want to start this lifetime over again. 1-Child abuse, both physical and mental 2-Teen pregnancy and being thrown out of the house 3-Spousal abuse 4-Death of a spouse (no I did not kill him although at times I wanted to!) 5- Divorce 6-Cancer 3x's 7- Losing every material possession I owned through my apartment flooding when I was in the hospital with cancer and because when I had the cancer our financial situation was so bad that everything I had was repossessed. I went through Chemo and Radiation in a friend's spare bedroom on an air mattress 8-My situation now, both health-wise and financial. Most people go through one or two of those in their lifetime but not all of it. There is no way in Hell I'd start this life over again! My second reason for still being here is my husband and my children. I would never want to put them through the pain of an unnatural death. What a cruel and unkind thing that would be for me to do to them! I'm not suicidal by any means, it's just the logical idea of not having to live in this hell on earth, day in and day out, every minute of my day with no relief in site......thus my feeling of having been abandoned here on Earth in this life. A vicious cycle! It's also times like this when the thought is given to me that I have the steel core and strength of the Goddess and I will go on and I will make it through this whether there's a rainbow and a pot of gold at the end or not....my human side sooooooooooo hopes there's a HUGE pot of gold at the end, or at least not too close to the end so I can still enjoy it! 
)I have what is called Short Bowel Syndrome which is a result of all the colon resections I've had. My doctor calls it CSDD. Chronic Severe Debilitating Diarrhea. It never goes away and I never get a break. I keep a log for my doctor and I have to write down the beginning time I go into the bathroom and the time I come out. That tells him how many times a day I have to visit my Throne Room and how long it's taking me. The only part left of my colon is the Transverse Colon. A persons colon is basically an upside down U. There is the the Right Colon which is obviously the right side, the Transverse Colon which is the bottom of the U and then the Sigmoid Colon which is on the left side and is which is attached to the back door. My first two resections removed my entire Sigmoid side. The third resection which was done last summer, removed my entire Right Side Colon called a Right Hemicolectomy. The only remaining part is the Transverse Colon which is joined from my small intestine and goes straight down through my abdomen to connect to the back door. I'm sorry, I really hate the words rectum and anus so if you think I'm being childish by not using the physiological verbiage, that's why. I'm in the bathroom every day with diarrhea between 7-12 times a day....every day. This guarantees that there is no healing between bowel movements. Thus I am usually raw and bleeding in one capacity or another. I'm usually in the bathroom between 2.5 hours on a good day to 5.5 hours on a bad day. You would think with only having diarrhea that it would be a peace of cake to void and go but it's not. Because I'm missing so much of my colon, it takes work to get everything out the door. I almost cried when my doctor told me I was missing my "pusher" and that's why I'm struggling every day. I'm also missing my Gallbladder which was the 3rd cancer. Because I have no Gallbladder all the Bile Salts that would normally be processed and reabsorbed by the body are dumped into the diarrhea making it acidic. One of the reasons my butt is raw and bleeding most of the time is that the diarrhea burns so badly from the acid. So basically I have acid diarrhea 7-12 times a day for up to 2.5-5.5 hours a day. 
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