Month: August 2012

  • I am very tired of feeling like an asexual person due to my physical problems. I miss wearing make-up, perfume and feeling feminine. I miss being able to dress up and go out. I miss feeling my husband’s pride in me when some other guy looks at me Now……… I feel like I’ve been reduced to a robot with pain. Let me tell ya, when you’re in this much pain and your bum is raw and bleeding, making love is the last thing you feel like doing.

    Tonight I got pissed off enough about it to do something about it.

    I gave my husband a blow-job and then took a nice long bubble bath with lots of scent and lots of candles and I soaked for a good long time.

    I feel at least like a fraction of a female again.

  • Sometimes when I read other people’s pages and they’re full of insight and personal growth or information that I wasn’t aware of, I feel so inferior. I feel uneducated and stagnant and like I”m falling behind. I struggle to make a comment that might pertain to what they’re talking about even when I don’t fully understand. Then I give up and just write what’s on my heart whether I’m on the mark or not.

    Then the thought was given to me that those people are walking their own paths and going through their own struggles and that those paths are there for me to learn from and that while I am on a different path at a different time in my life, I too am here for those people to learn from as well. I might learn from their knowledge of something unknown to me or from their insight into themselves, but they might learn from my physical trials and from my continued battles to persevere and stay strong. We are all here to learn from each other and no one thing or person is better than the other. Together we create balance and in balance we help each other.

    I am well and truly blessed and loved!

    Blessings to all of you!

  • Opinionated Rant, My Apologies if I Offend You

    Who?
    Who told you that you deserve nothing?
    I believe it was god/jesus himself who said you deserve nothing.
    What kind of a supposed “loving ” god is that?
    And who said he’s the only one to give you everything?!?!
    He did.
    That’s pretty hypocritical in my book.
    If you go to lengths to tell me how little I deserve, then why are you bothering to give me anything?
    It certainly isn’t love like the bible says it is because someone who loved me would never tell me I didn’t deserve anything.
    I’m sorry, but I could NEVER follow a God who told me I deserved nothing!
    I deserve everything just by “being” as does everyone else.
    No one should start out thinking and believing that they don’t deserve anything!!!
     If you can’t do anything without God’s permission, how can you grow into the person you should be?
    Not the repressed person you think you should be.
    It was truly a day of freedom for me the day I walked away from this sick kind of thinking!
    UGH!

  • I always wanted to take mortuary science and be a mortician. In High School I took a class on Thanatology, the study of death and dying. I found it fascinating. I guess even back then it was a calling for me. I’ve always looked at being a mortician as being able to give a person one last  hurrah from this life. One last kind thing for them regardless of how they lived their life here on earth. Sort of a send off without judgement so that when they got to where they were going, they were cleansed in a way from not being judged in death. Each person, regardless of the choices they’ve made in life was, at one time, an innocent little being. Someone’s baby girl or baby boy. I was with my Grandfather when he died. He was in City of Hope having had colon cancer. He closed his eyes and took his last breath. I watched his spirit float out of his body. He grinned and waved goodbye. Ever since then, I knew I had the right idea about death. It’s a release and the ones that truly suffer in death are not the ones dying, but the ones left behind in heartache and tears from the knowledge that they’ll never see their loved one again.

    I am ready to die. I’ve looked at death closely several times and one time was given a choice to go or stay and the other time, when I coded on the recovery table, I was flat out turned away. When I was given the choice, I immediately thought of my children and knew I had to stay. 2 weeks later the 3rd cancer was discovered and removed. That would have been my ticket out of here. It was inside my gallbladder and never would have been detected till it was too late. Because I chose to stay, I had gallstones that needed to be removed and the cancer was found at that time. You’ll ask how I know I was given a choice. I woke up one morning, too weak to lift my head off the pillow. I was dizzy and things were spinning in front of me although I hadn’t moved. I just knew, just a knowledge that if I were to close my eyes again, it would be over. I could go. I’ve never regretted that I chose to stay. My children weren’t and still aren’t ready to be without me. I am their sole support system for all 3 of them. My Cubby Bear has chosen not to have a relationship with his father for good reason and so there is just me. My family is not a support system for even me, they would never be there for my children. My younger two, Rooskie Two Shoes and Squirrel have a relationship with their father but he’s a weak drunk. There is no support there. I knew it would be bad for them to be left alone in this life.

    The day I coded in recovery after my last surgery, last summer,  I was ALMOST there. I could see the deep green, lush meadow that I was heading for and then bam, I was back in my body again. I woke up SO angry with the nurses that revived me! They had a mask over my face and were pushing on my heart to get it to beat. I remember waking up and slapping the mask off my face. I didn’t want to be back. I think because when I chose to stay, I signed on for another period of time, no matter how long that might or might not be, I’m here for the duration. It was such a relief that at one point I was told I could go if I wanted to. I knew at that point that I had accomplished whatever it was that I was meant to do.

    I don’t know why I felt the need to write what I just did. It’s nice having my “own room” where I can say whatever is on my mind and heart. I can’t always do that around my family. They tend to panic when I say I’m “ready to go”. I remember the first time my husband came in when I was crying from pain in the bathroom and he said, “can I get you anything?” I replied, “a bullet”. That didn’t go over so well! He tends to “Polly Anna” things and try to put a bright side on everything. It used to just drive me insane. I used to tell him to just let me be angry and sad and depressed, Now I see that the “Polly Anna” side is for him. He needs to say those things to make himself feel better. We’ve agreed that when I really need to vent, he needs to let me whether what I say scares him or not, but that I need to get those things off my chest and that I’ll tell him when those times are and the rest of the time he can “Polly Anna” to his heart’s content.

    Compromise even in death.

  • Well, my appointment didn’t go so well…….
    My CEA which is my Cancer Marker Test is usually at .04 since I’ve had all tumors removed. The norm is .04-2.5 for some reason my blood test shot from .04 to 2.2 It’s NEVER been that high since I had the chemo and radiation in 2007-2008. I usually have this test run every 3 months and I’ve never had a problem. My Oncologist wants to wait another month and test again to see which direction it’s going. If indeed there is something that’s returned, a month will give it time for the CEA to go up, so I’m glad we’re retesting in a month instead of 3 months! Doctors always try and tell you there’s nothing to worry about but ahem, he is retesting in a month instead of three so if he really wasn’t worried, he wouldn’t do it. I just went along with him when he was telling me not to worry and I went along with him when he said he’d retest in a month. If he wants to think he’s putting my mind at ease, I’ll let him. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere before it’s my time but that doesn’t mean I’d look forward to more physical battles!!!

    Anyhow, on to happier things! My son called me last night to tell me they were leaving for Kuwait first thing this morning. My mama heart strings miss him, but he’s so excited to go that I’m excited for him. It’s a 36 hour flight but part of that flight is picking up 2 other units that are also going. Cubby Bear does not do well being stagnant so I’m glad things are finally moving forward. He’ll call or send me a Voxer message when he gets there safe and sound.

    Lost items always come to me when they’re meant to be returned to their owners and sick and injured animals come to me when in need of healing or a burial and a blessed send off. Yesterday, on my way to my doctor’s office, I found a name badge and key card that had fallen off of someone and been left un-noticed on the sidewalk. Her phone number was out of date on the business card she’d attached to her badge, but I was able to get the company name from it and called information to get her number. She works for a very large company with lots of branches but I found her number on the first try. I met with her this afternoon to give her name badge back to her. She was shocked when I wouldn’t take anything in payment for it. To me, that negates the whole purpose of doing a good thing and I think that’s why things needing to be returned keep coming to me. I’ve returned numerous phones, wallets, credit cards that were left in our office, name tags and even a Blackberry.

    Blessings for a wonderful and magickal night!

  • I’m having a pretty rough day today.  I feel very weak for some reason. Papa Bear reminds me I’m really not getting any nutrition and yesterday the only thing I ate was a bagel with cream cheese and a couple pieces of toast. I’ll have to work on doing better. I know part of my yukky feeling is because I have an Oncologist appointment today and I always worry. I’m fine in-between but about 2 weeks before the appointment I start to stress. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can’t not. Cancer 3 times will do that to you, it just is what it is. My second cancer came 7 years after the first so when they say that if you don’t have a re-occurance within five years, you’re cured…..NOT. I was given a 50/50 chance of survival after my 3rd cancer at the 5 year point. The survival rate for a 2 time colon cancer patient at 5 years is 63% but my oncologist said that with the 3rd cancer in my gallbladder popping up before the chemotherapy for the colon cancer was even done that he would have to lower the odds to a 50% chance at 5 years. He said that because I had the 3rd cancer when I did that he doesn’t think the chemotherapy worked at all for the colon cancer because otherwise the gallbladder cancer wouldn’t have been there. The gallbladder cancer was on the inside not the outside, so that meant that it was a whole new cancer on it’s own and not just  metastasized from the colon. HOWEVER…..what they don’t take into consideration is that regardless of what my physical body goes through and no matter how beat up it gets, I belong to the Goddess and I’m not going anywhere till I’m done here and it’s time for me to go. Seriously, I should not be sitting here and writing this today. I let the first cancer go for 7 years before I was brave enough to do something about it. The second and third cancers were found by fluke only. Some would call it lucky, some would call it blessed, I call it “meant to be”. Nothing can take my life from me until it’s time for me to go….so I really should quit worrying about the other shoe dropping but that’s when my human side stumbles in and I let it get in the way. Seriously, having my “own room” again to write what I need to write helps so much! I already feel better just getting this out of my system. I had my blood work done last week and I’ll find out the results today but I’m sure I’ll be fine unless I’m not meant to be. Pretty simple when you look at it like that. I see him every 3 months for blood work. I used to have a CT scan done every 6 months but he didn’t want to give me additional radiation if not necessary so he stopped those and said we would not do another one until my blood work indicated that there was a problem. I’m ok with that. This coming October will be my 5 year remission anniversary for the colon cancer and February will be 5 years for the gallbladder. Obviously the gallbladder won’t be returning

    Today’s Affirmation by Louise Hay: I accept my uniqueness.

    I like that!

    Blessings to all of you!

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  • Today’s Affirmation by Louise Hay:

    Today I breathe, go within, and ask, ?What is it I need to know?

    What a wonderful reminder of reconnection!
    A very peaceful day. Very reflective and introspective.
    It feels really good to reconnect with special friends on Xanga.

    Blessings

  • Much Better! =}

    Today was a much better day than the past week! I was in so much pain that I found myself holding my breath, afraid to breathe because it hurt so bad to walk and breathe. Today, that pain is still there but at least now the pain meds are able to take the edge off and things are starting to heal a bit. Some of the pain is my own fault. My Gastroenterologist has me on a bread, rice and potato only diet when I’m really torn up and quite frankly, I really can’t break down much more than that anyway. So I start to heal and about the time I’m really sick of my 3 favorite food groups I decide that ok, maybe pizza won’t hurt and maybe a salad won’t hurt and maybe some vegetables won’t hurt and the next thing I know, I’m back where I started from. One can only eat bread, potatoes and rice for so long before they go cross-eyed, but still, I know better!
    I decided that I need to start listing my accomplishments each day. It’s been quite a blow to my morale being reduced to basic functions such as brushing teeth and eating breakfast that it’s hard to feel like I’ve done anything and yet, with things the way they are, those are real accomplishments for me. Sometimes taking a shower is exhausting!

    Today’s Accomplishments……..squat! heehee!

    However, I did get dressed and go out to Wendy’s for dinner with Papa Bear where I had a baked potato and 2 bags of their croutons. I could only eat half my potato so I’ll have lunch for tomorrow all ready to go. For some reason when I eat something soft, I have to eat something crunchy or I’m not satisfied. I’ll leave that up to the shrinks to figure that one out.

    I got to talk to my Cubby Bear, who is in Texas, today. That was a nice surprise and really made me feel good. They still don’t have a date that they’re leaving for Kuwait, but so far it’s tentatively the 17th. I downloaded Voxer on my phone which is like a walkie-talkie app and so we can leave each other voice snippets. I tell ya, it’s been really good to hear his voice! I felt so bad for him because he was supposed to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers in January and the concert was cancelled and rescheduled to yesterday. Knowing that he was going to miss the concert, he gave the tickets to a good friend of his. Unfortunately she goofed up the dates and thought it was tonight and missed the concert last night. She was going to try and go tonight anyway and see if they’d let her in. Doubtful, but hey you never know. So far I haven’t heard back from her. Poor Cubby was tied up in knots. It was bad enough that he had to miss the concert but then to have $250 go down the drain for nothing was not an easy thing for him to swallow. He was furious. He feels like every time he tries to do a good thing, something goes wrong. I reminded him that he did do a good thing by giving the tickets to Christine and that everything happens for a reason. I reminded him that by her not going last night, she might very well have avoided an accident or something that could have been really bad. He felt a little bit better after that, but it wasn’t the same. Remembering that when you give something away, you relinquish all control of what happens to it at that point isn’t always easy but I sure understand where he was coming from!

    I’ll be seeing my Oncologist on the 16th. I always get really nervous before hand but I always feel better when I get the results of my blood tests. He ordered some tests this time around that he wanted the results STAT which worried me a little bit but they weren’t major tests, so I’m not sure what that was all about. The important one, the CEA (cancer/tumor marker test) wasn’t STAT so I’m not going to worry about it.

    Sometimes I leave replies to your comments on my page so if you have time, check back every now and then. Moss and Broom Service, I left you both a comment on my last post but Xanga ate it on the way to be posted and I was too tired to rewrite it. I’ll try again tomorrow.

    I hope you all had a great weekend and have just as great of a week!

  • Hot flashes in the heat are a bitch! LOL