Well, things have certianly taken a mighty strange turn............

I'm now
Homeless
Jobless
Childless and
Petless

Talk about killer!  Dougs company went belly up the week after my surgery and my disability isn't enough to pay the rent!  Our electricity was turned off about a week ago and they wanted close to $700 to turn it on. $230 for the past bill, $26 to reconned and $450 for deposit since it'd been turned off.  Hmmm ok we could either attempt to pay rent and sit in the dark or pay the electricity and have nowhere to sit and enjoy it. We needed to move and quickly.  A friend of mine, our High Priestess of my coven took Doug and I in but our pets all got farmed out on a temporary basis to those blessed souls willing to help and my son is now living with his father and my daughter with my mother. Talk about feeling like a loser! I just hate that my kids have been separated from me!  They understand but I know it's been rough on them too!!  Doug is madly looking for a job but he couldn't for a long time because I needed such intense care after my surgery and the beginning of my chemo.

I've been looking for the silver lining in this whole mess which is what's kept me going. Doug and I were lucky enough to find a place to stay and having people willing to take in our pets. I know we've been looked out for but it's still hard to understand and accept. Living in somebody else's spare bedroom while all my belongings are in storage and my children don't come home to me at the end of the day, my kittys and dog aren't around to climb into my lap for loves and it looks like we'll be filing bankruptcy....when we can afford it and feeling like crap both emotionally and physically from the radiation and chemo is hard to take. I didn't mean for this to be a bummer post but it sure looks like it headed that way.  I'll get off my pitty pot now.

I'm doing well all things considered.  I have about an 1/8th of my hair left but I don't care. Eventually when it gets too skimpy, I'll shave it all off.  Maybe it'll come in curly this time around! lol  Doug and I have really grown close during this time. When I found out about the cancer, I'd said that it was a relationship maker or breaker because we'd only been together for a year, a lot of guys would have packed up during this time. Not only did he insist that he's in this for the long run, he's proved it. He's really been my rock. He's been there every step of the way for me from emotional support, to helping me even move and get out of bed. Now that this new mess has happened, he's really been an even bigger trouper. I know he blames a lot of this mess on his lack of employment but when I consider how badly I needed him after the surgery, it was really an either or type of thing and I'm glad to have him here for me even though things are rough right now. Doug has truly become my best friend.

I see my children as often as I can and call them when I can't. We also go and visit our pets as often as possible too. I know it'll take awhile to turn it all around even after I go back to work but considering the alternative, at least I'm not living in a cardboard box somewhere. Those of you that know my past know that my mother is not an option for me but at least she was willing to take my daughter and Chloe has been a real trouper about living there. I just keep thinking positive and somehow we'll get through this and someday it will all be a memory!

My love to all of you!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  Hope you all enjoy the day, get plenty to eat and don't let the relatives and in-laws do you in!

Hugs!

I had a really good day today for the first time in about 2 weeks and I'm really excited, I'm finally on the mend!

YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

My tummy hurt so much less, I got through the whole day without any pain medication, I went outside for awhile and my energy was good.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers and energy!!

Just got out of the hospital again as of yesterday.  Had a fluid collection at the surgery site and it required draining and a 5 day hospital stay.  Ya know, there's something to be said about having 3 squares delivered to you daily, meals in bed, being legally stoned, and being able to adjust your room light from the bed.  It's ALMOST worth the IV but not quite.

I met with the oncologist and I start my chemo in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to getting the hell started and over with.

Doc said no sex for 6 weeks from my release date as of yesterday.  What the fuck is up with that? The first time around was 4 weeks from the date of surgery, not 10!  Doug and I promply disregarded that nonsense in good time! He says to tell you all hello.

Today I celebrate the life of my longtime friend, Marty. Marty passed away yesterday after a long and lengthy fight with cancer. We were originally diagnosed with cancer the same year back in 2000. His metastesized to his lungs where it finally won but not without a long drawn out fight. Safe passages, Marty, I love you!

I'm using humor as one of my biggest battle weapons and one of the funniest things that happened was just minutes prior to my surgery.  I was on the gurney, the nurse put the funky cap over my hair, they were going over where the incision would be and making sure I knew exactly what to expect during surgery.  The nurse got all done and looked at me closely and said, "I'm sorry, the nose ring has to go.  During surgery there's almost a force field around you from all the instruments and light and your nose will actually get burned so you'll need to take that out." I looked at Doug who had been allowed to go back with me and asked him to take the ring out. I had a hood ring too and I looked at Doug again and we both started to laugh. "Guess that one will have to go to." I'd never taken it out before and I had gotten it prior to him so he didn't know how it worked either. He lifted my gown and attempted to get the ring out. His fingers are big and he couldn't work it out. He kept trying and trying. Pretty soon my doctor showed up and then his attendant. He asked what we were doing and kept a carefully bland face upon receiving my answer. Soon the attending nurses started coming over, assuming since the doctors were there that we were ready to roll..........um not quite yet folks.  Meanwhile, Doug is still working over my privates trying to get the ring out. More and more nurses started to come over to see why everyone was gathered around my gurney. I wanted to sink right through the middle of it. Eventually we had 2 doctors and 6 nurses around my gurney and here I am with my privates exposed to all while Doug is madly trying to get the ring out. With the difficulty we were having, one of the nurses was going to find wire cutters when an older nurse in her early 50's and most definately a lesbian, walked over and said she had lots of experience with rings and offered to take it out!! Gulp!  I didn't know whether to laugh or moan in mortification.  I know I turned scarlett. She got the ring off of my privates then offered to put it back on for me after surgery should I decide I wanted to, all I needed to do was call her to my ward and she'd be happy to come. Doug and I both stifled giggles until after she'd left.  She definately helped me out of a tight spot and I truly appreciated it more than she'll know but I figure I'll leave it out since that area is going to be radiated anyway!!! LOL

When I first came home from the hospital, I was terrified.  Terrified that they hadn't gotten all the cancer, terrified I wouldn't be there for my children, terrified to lose the man I'd finally found who loved me right back, terrified that I'd have to go through this all over again.  In doing research on my type of cancer, survival rate at 5 years is 60%.  That scares the hell out of me and worries me all over again but TODAY I'm grateful.  Grateful to be alive and even if I only live 3 years (which I won't, I'm too damn ornery to go that soon) I know that every day is a gift and I'm learning to look through new eyes again and to appreciate everyone and everything.

*   My hunny came home today with a Sitz Bath a padded toilet seat and some ouchie cream and the
     Dragonology book
*   My kitten came and curled up beside me in bed.  She senses when I'm in pain or upset and she'll come and
     lay with me. Today she spent all day with me.
*   I watched my kitten chase a fly and it was adorable.
*   My daughter came in and just cuddled with me. She didn't ask if she could go or make small talk, she came in
    and held me and was just "with" me for as long as I needed.  

Everyday is a gift and I'm grateful for each person I come into contact with and for each day I'm given.  In the end I might not have as many as the next guy but I'll know that I've lived each day up to that point to the fullest extent and with the most love, appreciation, patience and understanding that I can have.

I got my staples out yesterday and have a 10 inch scar. Doug and I measured it with a measuring tape while in the doctor's office.  I was terrified that they would miss one of the staples and it would grow into my tummy. The physician's assistant did a great job.

Still waiting for my "parts" to return to working order, I'm very uncomfortable and it doesn't seem as if it will ever right itself.  The doc has me taking 1/2 hours baths 3 times a day to help heal the woulded areas.

In asking my doctor what stage level the cancer was, he said they rate them "A - D" and that mine was a level "C".   That compared to a level 2 (levels start at 0) being "Stage 2 —larger cancer that may or may not have spread to the lymph nodes". Mine had not spread to the lymph nodes.

I asked my doctor about the necessity of radiation as I've heard many pros and cons and he emphatically answered "YOU NEED IT".  I guess that answered that question!  I see the radiologist for the first time on November 2nd.

Meanwhile my daughter and I continue to hang out together with my constant companion, Serafina, our little black kitten who is continually swiping at my monitor or trying to walk across my keyboard as I type.

Just got out of the hospital.

Cancer had not only returned but spread through intestinal wall.

Surgery to remove the Cancer.  They think they got it all.

Start Chemo and radiation in a few weeks when my incision heals enough to withstand.

Am in much pain but getting better every day.

Am at home for the indefinite time-being.

A word for the local..........Don't even entertain the notion of being treated at Los Alamitos General Hospital unless you're DOA.  I've never had such negligent care!!!

for white and nerdy!

I booked a reservation for Doug, his son, Clinton and myself for the Final Fantasy XI Fan Fest in November.  I have two characters, Shelilah is a Red Mage, Hume and Knicknack is a Red Mage/White Mage Tarutaru.  I'll be taking Knicknack. It was originally Clinton's birthday present and I booked Doug because one could not possibly go without the other and after I booked them I was so jealous that they were going and I wasn't.........so I booked myself today.

White and nerdy!!!