Yay, good news! I went to have my port flushed today (the device that sits below the skin on my chest where an IV is inserted. My veins were so bad that I had to have a portacatheter inserted in order to have the chemo. Some patients have theirs removed after the chemo is over, but I've opted to keep mine as I know that I'll need it at least once a year for the colonoscopy as they put me completely out for it) and the nurses didn't recognize me. I was there every week or so for 7 months. The nurse who was going to flush the port walked in, looked at the name on the chart, looked at me, said my name out loud, looked at me again and said, "I'll be right back." I said, "no, you've got the right patient." She just looked at me and said, "wow." It's amazing what a make up and a little color in your skin will do for you!!

OMG, it just keeps happening!! Doug and I went to court today to pay on a ticket that he'd gotten when I was sick. I sat there and listened to the judge and the defendants, one by one. After about 50 people into it, my jaw was on the floor and I was sitting there dumbfounded. The room was full of Mexicans that were driving without licenses, child endangerment, no insurance, no registration, broken down cars, etc and the judge was giving them slaps on the wrists and telling them to go. No licence? No problem, $20 you're free to go. No child safety devices? No problem, $50, you're free to go. No registration? No problem, $35, you're free to go. No headlights? No problem, $35 you're free to go. It's no wonder they don't fuck'n care to follow the laws and we end up paying through the teeth when there's an accident with them. Because the judicial system creates it so that they pay the minimal and off they go.

Then the judge gets to Doug. "Sir, you've missed your courtdate and it's gone to collections, you'll need to set up payment arrangements". There were a slew of Mexicans in that courtroom that were in the exact same situation and they got reduced fines. They were allowed to tell their side of the story, and most of it was bullshit. "Yes, sir, I was on my way to register the car when I got pulled over." BULLSHIT The judge didn't even give Doug a chance to explain our situtation. I've been damn near dead for the last 7 months and we've been living hand to mouth and couldn't pay the ticket and the judge wouldn't even give us a chance! It cost us $670 to pay for the ticket and another $55 to reinstate his license. Our amount was $725 in comparison for a $20 fuck'n dollar slap on the wrist. It wouldn't surprise me if the whole thing was political. White male? Sorry, screw you!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Does it ever stop, does it ever end, is there any mercy left for me at all? Pity party be damned, I've had enough. I've battled for my life for the last 7 months, my home, my children, my pets, all my worldly possessions........gone. Obtainable yes, but for a price. I've already worked for them once, went through labor, went to work, put in the manual labor, paid the price. Now I have to do it all again if I want them back. Fucking gas prices are so high right now that I'm looking at loosing my son for good. He wants to stay in the HS where he's at and I don't have the gas money to be able to live out there and commute to work every day and back. I'm not about to take my son out of a school where for the first time he's happy and it's his Senior year. He'll have to continue living with his dad if he wants to go to school there. I'll have to give up having him live with me if I want him happy. I do. My marriage. I'm starting out in a brand new marriage. This has all taken it's toll. We love each other and things are good but you can't fucking tell me that D being unemployed and me having a job, even a part time job takes it's toll. He scours the ads both online and in the paper. Insurance companies. Is that all that's out there is insurance companies? They're all he hears from. It's beating on his self esteem and boring down on his self confidence. It takes it's toll. The poor guy stayed at home to care for me during months when I could barely lift my head, feed myself or make it to the bathroom and this is how life repays him. Fucking insurance companies!!! My truck is gone. It went today. I called the loan company last week to see if they'd work with me. They give me a minimum of $2300 or it was no deal. I asked the guy where he thought I was going to come up with that kind of money working only part time? He told me to call my friends and family.........great and make my problem theirs? I hope that guy gets a true dose of reality some day! For the last week and a half I've been walking 2 miles to work everyday which is killing me....but my truck is up for repo and I can't afford to not have it. Today the universe decided that I could indeed live without it because it allowed it to be taken. Doug was picking up his brother from the airport when the police pulled him over for the broken windshield and no registration. Hell, I couldn't even afford to register it let alone come up with $2300!!! Doug had gotten a ticket and we couldn't afford to take care of it so his license was suspended. The court wanted $600 to reinstate his license. The cops impounded my truck at the LAX airport with a mandatory 30 day impound unless overturned by a judge. Gee at 60 a day minimum, we're looking at $1800 minimum to even get out of impound plus $275 for registration and then taking care of the license. Well, at least I can tell the repo guys where to pick up the truck at. Wasn't the cancer alone enough? Wasn't losing my kids, my home, my pets and everything I've worked so hard for, enough? Apparently not. Life had one more kick in the teeth for me. Fuck at least I still have teeth to be kicked in.........knock on wood!! This is all the physical bullshit, it doesn't even begin to cover the emotional. There is nothing harder than losing so much and needing help and having the one person who has the ability to turn it all around for me tell me she's broke and can't help and then watch her go off on vacations, do renovations on her home and buy whatever she pleases. Granted she owes me nothing but one would hope that a parent would have more compassion than that!! Yes, this is the same parent who is charging me to take my daughter to school.

Does it ever end? Does it ever get better?

What to do???

Decisions, decisions, decisions!! My oldest son gave me $200 for Mother's Day and told me I had to spend it on something fun, no bills, no food, just something for myself or Doug and I. I've been broke for so long that I want to do it all!! I want to go to the Nascar Races, I want to buy camping equipment, I want to go to a Day Spa, I want to go on a fancy overnighter in a nice hotel, I want to...............

I think I'm leaning more towards camping equipment but I'm sitting here in 100 degree heat in Riverside and wondering if I really want to be without airconditioning! lol Where ever we go will have to have water of some kind; a pool, lake, river, even a cold shower! hehehe The only problem is that camping can be really great or completely miserable espcially if you're stuck in a campground full of assholes. I was in one campground and the pool was like a huge bathtub. The people were all swimming in their clothes and the pool was almost brown it was so dirty. It was hotter than hell but you couldn't pay me to get into that pool! I love to camp down on the beach but finding an open spot this time of year is difficult. Also, with regards to my recent recovery, I have to have a camping spot with flushing toilets, no ifs ands or butts! heheh pun intended. Sooooooo that rules out anything out in the boonies. The good thing about purchasing camping gear, though is that it's keepable and reusable. It's not a one time thing and then the money's gone. The other problem is that the repo monsters are looking for my truck. I've gotten several very rude phonecalls at work and it's just a matter of time before they find me. Fortunately looking for my truck in a university parking lot will take time but it would be my luck to purchase camping equipment and then have my truck repo'd! yark! I owe about 4 grand with no $$ in site to pay them so not even a phone call would work right about now. Ok, going to put that out of my mind cuz it's out of my control and leave it up to the Goddess to work out. I've been watched over and blessed and she's not going to let me go now. So back to what to spend it on!

OMG if you're looking for meditations, I have an excellent, excellent, excellent suggestion. Our very own Stonelaughter's wife, Mahala has created her own company of meditative cd's and is just awesome. He sent me some of her cd's to help with the recovery process and I couldn't have been more blessed! It's her voice on the cd and the music that accompanies these guided meditations is both soothing yet reflective. The company is located in England but I'm sure Mahala can translate the currency and it took a very short time to ship from England. I know I'm definitely going back for more! Check out the link under "company" and NO, Stonelaughter didn't put me up to this! lol

Well, I've returned to work which is why my blogging has become sporadic at best. Well, that's not really why but the excuse is valid...maybe. I've had a lot going on with a lot of hurts on my heart and I have a hard time writing during that time. Mostly related around my kids and we all know how those hurts can break your heart. All 3 of my children and my heart-adopted daughter, Monie have had some really tough times to get through. My heart feels like it's going to stop sometimes when I feel the pain of my children.

My friend Lou in Idaho had a massive, massive stroke around Easter time. They didn't think he'd make it through the night but we underestimated him. He's had to relearn everything and is about at the mental capacity of a first grader. It just tears me up but he's come this far and they say he'll eventually regain who he was. Although I'm not there to watch, it breaks my heart. His wife, Penny has had her hands full but her beautiful heart is so thankful to still have him around that she doesn't care what condition he's in, she's just grateful. Their love story continues.

Remember my friend, Marty in Idaho who passed away last October? Marty had left his dog, Sam to me. Well, Marty's niece, Laurie moved in with him during the last months of his life. Unfortunately my cancer hit just before he passed away and I was in the hospital and recovering when it came time to get Sam. Laurie decided that I really didn't need her and decided to keep her. I was really angry at first that she would just march in and make a decision that had nothing to do with her and I felt helpless that she was in Idaho with the one thing that Marty left me and I was too sick to do anything about it. Well, I still talk to Marty as though he were here, probably moreso than when he was alive. He reminded me that I still had my memories of the good times that we shared together and nobody could take that from me. While I'm sad to have had to let go of Sam, I'm grateful that she's got a home where she was previously living with Marty.

I have a HUGE zit................it's driving me nuts and it won't pop

Just thought I'd share!!

Much fun! Add me if you have a page!

YAY!!  GOOD NEWS!!

I met with the oncologist and he says my scan looked good and my CEA (cancer marker test) went from a 2.2 in the hospital right after the resection to a .7 which is normal. Looks like they've got it all and hopefully this is the last go-round I'll have with it!! I've been released to go back to work on May first.

I'm still really skeptical and very scared. I'll feel a lot better when I have a few more clear scans and blood tests under my belt. I told my doctor I was still scared and started to tear up. She told me the best advice I've ever heard. "You've done all the chemo and radiation. You've gone above and beyond what most patients endure. There comes a time when you have to stop worrying and just live your life. Yes, the cancer may come back but if you spend your time worrying about it now, you've wasted the future in fear. Stop worrying and start living. Don't throw away your life worrying about what you can't control. Take it back and live it, it's yours."

So while I'm still afraid that cancer is lurking around the next corner and it's understandable when considering I thought the nightmare was over when they found more; I'm working hard at staying positive, regaining my health, working on my appearance, improving my eating habits and controlling my weight. I'm setting future goals and making activity dates as any normal, healthy person who expects to be around, would do.

An utmost, heartfelt thanks to those who've kept me in prayers, sent positive and healing energy, lit candles and worked at keeping my spirits up.  I can't thank you enough! Although I've not met any of you in person, that you would be so supportive of someone you've never met in person is a confirmation to me that there are still beautiful people out there despite what bleakness we continue to see. Thank you so much to all of you! May your blessings, hope, prayers and kindness be returned to you 100 fold!