August 16, 2012

  • I’m having a pretty rough day today.  I feel very weak for some reason. Papa Bear reminds me I’m really not getting any nutrition and yesterday the only thing I ate was a bagel with cream cheese and a couple pieces of toast. I’ll have to work on doing better. I know part of my yukky feeling is because I have an Oncologist appointment today and I always worry. I’m fine in-between but about 2 weeks before the appointment I start to stress. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can’t not. Cancer 3 times will do that to you, it just is what it is. My second cancer came 7 years after the first so when they say that if you don’t have a re-occurance within five years, you’re cured…..NOT. I was given a 50/50 chance of survival after my 3rd cancer at the 5 year point. The survival rate for a 2 time colon cancer patient at 5 years is 63% but my oncologist said that with the 3rd cancer in my gallbladder popping up before the chemotherapy for the colon cancer was even done that he would have to lower the odds to a 50% chance at 5 years. He said that because I had the 3rd cancer when I did that he doesn’t think the chemotherapy worked at all for the colon cancer because otherwise the gallbladder cancer wouldn’t have been there. The gallbladder cancer was on the inside not the outside, so that meant that it was a whole new cancer on it’s own and not just  metastasized from the colon. HOWEVER…..what they don’t take into consideration is that regardless of what my physical body goes through and no matter how beat up it gets, I belong to the Goddess and I’m not going anywhere till I’m done here and it’s time for me to go. Seriously, I should not be sitting here and writing this today. I let the first cancer go for 7 years before I was brave enough to do something about it. The second and third cancers were found by fluke only. Some would call it lucky, some would call it blessed, I call it “meant to be”. Nothing can take my life from me until it’s time for me to go….so I really should quit worrying about the other shoe dropping but that’s when my human side stumbles in and I let it get in the way. Seriously, having my “own room” again to write what I need to write helps so much! I already feel better just getting this out of my system. I had my blood work done last week and I’ll find out the results today but I’m sure I’ll be fine unless I’m not meant to be. Pretty simple when you look at it like that. I see him every 3 months for blood work. I used to have a CT scan done every 6 months but he didn’t want to give me additional radiation if not necessary so he stopped those and said we would not do another one until my blood work indicated that there was a problem. I’m ok with that. This coming October will be my 5 year remission anniversary for the colon cancer and February will be 5 years for the gallbladder. Obviously the gallbladder won’t be returning

    Today’s Affirmation by Louise Hay: I accept my uniqueness.

    I like that!

    Blessings to all of you!

August 15, 2012

August 13, 2012

  • Much Better! =}

    Today was a much better day than the past week! I was in so much pain that I found myself holding my breath, afraid to breathe because it hurt so bad to walk and breathe. Today, that pain is still there but at least now the pain meds are able to take the edge off and things are starting to heal a bit. Some of the pain is my own fault. My Gastroenterologist has me on a bread, rice and potato only diet when I’m really torn up and quite frankly, I really can’t break down much more than that anyway. So I start to heal and about the time I’m really sick of my 3 favorite food groups I decide that ok, maybe pizza won’t hurt and maybe a salad won’t hurt and maybe some vegetables won’t hurt and the next thing I know, I’m back where I started from. One can only eat bread, potatoes and rice for so long before they go cross-eyed, but still, I know better!
    I decided that I need to start listing my accomplishments each day. It’s been quite a blow to my morale being reduced to basic functions such as brushing teeth and eating breakfast that it’s hard to feel like I’ve done anything and yet, with things the way they are, those are real accomplishments for me. Sometimes taking a shower is exhausting!

    Today’s Accomplishments……..squat! heehee!

    However, I did get dressed and go out to Wendy’s for dinner with Papa Bear where I had a baked potato and 2 bags of their croutons. I could only eat half my potato so I’ll have lunch for tomorrow all ready to go. For some reason when I eat something soft, I have to eat something crunchy or I’m not satisfied. I’ll leave that up to the shrinks to figure that one out.

    I got to talk to my Cubby Bear, who is in Texas, today. That was a nice surprise and really made me feel good. They still don’t have a date that they’re leaving for Kuwait, but so far it’s tentatively the 17th. I downloaded Voxer on my phone which is like a walkie-talkie app and so we can leave each other voice snippets. I tell ya, it’s been really good to hear his voice! I felt so bad for him because he was supposed to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers in January and the concert was cancelled and rescheduled to yesterday. Knowing that he was going to miss the concert, he gave the tickets to a good friend of his. Unfortunately she goofed up the dates and thought it was tonight and missed the concert last night. She was going to try and go tonight anyway and see if they’d let her in. Doubtful, but hey you never know. So far I haven’t heard back from her. Poor Cubby was tied up in knots. It was bad enough that he had to miss the concert but then to have $250 go down the drain for nothing was not an easy thing for him to swallow. He was furious. He feels like every time he tries to do a good thing, something goes wrong. I reminded him that he did do a good thing by giving the tickets to Christine and that everything happens for a reason. I reminded him that by her not going last night, she might very well have avoided an accident or something that could have been really bad. He felt a little bit better after that, but it wasn’t the same. Remembering that when you give something away, you relinquish all control of what happens to it at that point isn’t always easy but I sure understand where he was coming from!

    I’ll be seeing my Oncologist on the 16th. I always get really nervous before hand but I always feel better when I get the results of my blood tests. He ordered some tests this time around that he wanted the results STAT which worried me a little bit but they weren’t major tests, so I’m not sure what that was all about. The important one, the CEA (cancer/tumor marker test) wasn’t STAT so I’m not going to worry about it.

    Sometimes I leave replies to your comments on my page so if you have time, check back every now and then. Moss and Broom Service, I left you both a comment on my last post but Xanga ate it on the way to be posted and I was too tired to rewrite it. I’ll try again tomorrow.

    I hope you all had a great weekend and have just as great of a week!

August 12, 2012

August 11, 2012

  • Pure Hell

    Yesterday and today have been the utmost of Hell. I can’t remember when I’ve hurt so bad and there’s only been one other time when I hurt so bad I couldn’t sit down. Yesterday was different though. Neither the Norco nor the Opium nor the Norco and Opium together even remotely touched the pain. I know it’s not because I’m getting used to them and they’re becoming ineffectual because I take special care to make sure that’s not the case. I refuse to go to a higher dosage of drugs so when I feel they’re not as effectual, I back them down a notch and either just take the lumps or compensate with Advil instead. It usually only takes a day or two before I can go back to taking the full dose and having them work. Yesterday though was horrible. It reminded me of when I had Chloe by C-section and the anesthesia didn’t work. I felt the whole thing and there was nothing they could do. Once you cut someone open for a birth, you can’t stop or go back. They tried to put me completely  under and really ramped up the morphine but that didn’t work either. I think by then it was psychological as I was already in so much pain. I don’t have a reason for yesterday, though and that’s troubling. Today I’ve really been in a lot of pain as well, much more so than usual but at least when I took the Norco today it took the edge off and when I finally gave in and took the Opium it worked really well. Go figure.
    Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve been dropped off here on Earth by the Gods and then forgotten. I know without a doubt in my mind that that’s not the case and for some reason I’m supposed to be going through this as a life lesson, but then my human stupidness kicks in and I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I have trouble with logically separating the two. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m a spiritual being having a physical experience but frankly, this physical experience SUCKS!! I’m seriously at the point where I need to hear from my Spirit Guide. I need to know they’re here for me and that I’m not alone in this and that I’m not forgotten. My husband and children a wonderful support but they’re from the human realm, not the spiritual. They can only understand so much. My husband is the greatest human gift that I’ve been given in addition to my children. I say it that way because my husband is not the father of my children. There are two things that are keeping me here. One, I know I’m going through this for a reason and that I have to complete the lessons that this experience is to teach me. If I short cut it, I’d have to do it all over again. There is absolutely no way in Hell that I would want to start this lifetime over again. 1-Child abuse, both physical and mental 2-Teen pregnancy and being thrown out of the house 3-Spousal abuse 4-Death of a spouse (no I did not kill him although at times I wanted to!) 5- Divorce 6-Cancer 3x’s 7- Losing every material possession I owned through my apartment flooding when I was in the hospital with cancer and because when I had the cancer our financial situation was so bad that everything I had was repossessed. I went through Chemo and Radiation in a friend’s spare bedroom on an air mattress 8-My situation now, both health-wise and financial. Most people go through one or two of those in their lifetime but not all of it. There is no way in Hell I’d start this life over again! My second reason for still being here is my husband and my children. I would never want to put them through the pain of an unnatural death. What a cruel and unkind thing that would be for me to do to them! I’m not suicidal by any means, it’s just the logical idea of not having to live in this hell on earth, day in and day out, every minute of my day with no relief in site……thus my feeling of having been abandoned here on Earth in this life.  A vicious cycle! It’s also times like this when the thought is given to me that I have the steel core and strength of the Goddess and I will go on and I will make it through this whether there’s a rainbow and a pot of gold at the end or not….my human side sooooooooooo hopes there’s a HUGE pot of gold at the end, or at least not too close to the end so I can still enjoy it!


     

August 8, 2012

  • Goodbye my Friend

    I pretty much went underground when I left Xanga 3 years ago. In doing so I missed some very important people. I didn’t get to say good by to Momma Rose. I am so sorry! I know you’re in a better place now, Rosemary but I still wish I’d had the chance to say “goodbye.” One of these days I’ll be saying “hello.” Until then, I know you’ll be entertaining the Angels with your beautiful wit.
    Rest in Peace my friend.

  • Ahhhh the good drugs have kicked in!

    Is this not a gorgeous picture? It makes me feel good just looking at it. I think of that wave as warm water and I’d just love to be floating in that right now!


    Today’s Affirmation:  I am willing to change.

    All of the affirmations that I post are from Louise Hay so if I forget to mention it on one of my posts, all of the credit goes to her.

    Ahhhh the good drugs have kicked in! Today has been a really rough day! I know I’m going to sound like I’m whining, but I’m not whining to my husband or kids, I’m whining here, in my own room and this is one of the biggest reasons I came back to Xanga, so I could have a place to let it “all hang out.” Be aware in reading my blog that there will be many times that you’ll read what I wrote and think, “Ack, too much information!” however, if you’re going to hang out in my room with me, I thought you should know that up front.
    (In my mind this is narrated in Meridith’s (Ellen Pompeo) voice from Gray’s Anatomy )I have what is called Short Bowel Syndrome which is a result of all the colon resections I’ve had. My doctor calls it CSDD. Chronic Severe Debilitating Diarrhea. It never goes away and I never get a break. I keep a log for my doctor and I have to write down the beginning time I go into the bathroom and the time I come out. That tells him how many times a day I have to visit my Throne Room and how long it’s taking me. The only part left of my colon is the Transverse Colon. A persons colon is basically an upside down U. There is the the Right Colon which is obviously the right side, the Transverse Colon which is the bottom of the U and then the Sigmoid Colon which is on the left side and is which is attached to the back door. My first two resections removed my entire Sigmoid side. The third resection which was done last summer, removed my entire Right Side Colon called a Right Hemicolectomy. The only remaining part is the Transverse Colon which is joined from my small intestine and goes straight down through my abdomen to connect to the back door. I’m sorry, I really hate the words rectum and anus so if you think I’m being childish by not using the physiological verbiage, that’s why. I’m in the bathroom every day with diarrhea between 7-12 times a day….every day. This guarantees that there is no healing between bowel movements. Thus I am usually raw and bleeding in one capacity or another. I’m usually in the bathroom between 2.5 hours on a good day to 5.5 hours on a bad day. You would think with only having diarrhea that it would be a peace of cake to void and go but it’s not. Because I’m missing so much of my colon, it takes work to get everything out the door. I almost cried when my doctor told me I was missing my “pusher” and that’s why I’m struggling every day. I’m also missing my Gallbladder which was the 3rd cancer. Because I have no Gallbladder all the Bile Salts that would normally be processed and reabsorbed by the body are dumped into the diarrhea making it acidic. One of the reasons my butt is raw and bleeding most of the time is that the diarrhea burns so badly from the acid. So basically I have acid diarrhea 7-12 times a day for up to 2.5-5.5 hours a day.
    I’m on Norco every 6 hours which helps to slow down my intestines. I have lost 60 pounds in the last year from diarrhea alone. 60 pounds, that’s crazy! Everything I eat goes right through me. I have often lost my appetite when I’ve had to leave my dinner in the middle of it to run to the bathroom only to find what I’ve been eating waving back at me from the toilet. Who wants to go back and eat the very stuff that you just saw floating in the toilet? Yukk!! The Norco helps a little but not a lot. A normal person who’d taken Norco every day, 4 times a day for over the past year would be constipated for the next 10 years. Not me! I’m also on what’s called Questran. It’s supposed to help bind the Bile Salts so they don’t burn so badly and also to help bind the poo. Unfortunately the Questran can have the opposite effect and cause a blockage. Because I’m missing so much of my colon, this can be a really BAD thing. I absolutely cannot afford to be constipated in any way shape or form because I have no way of getting it through and out of me. My stomach muscles have really taken a beating in having to work so much harder to compensate for the lack of muscle found in the colon. The Norco also helps with the soreness of my abdomen and the rawness of the back door. On a really bad day my abdomen feels like it would if it were raw, ground meat. Don’t ask me how I know this, I just do. Now on days like today when things are REALLY bad, I bring out the big guns. My doctor has given me an opium tincture to take which will usually give me about 4-5 hours of not having a bowel movement (on top of making me sleepy and relaxed .) I will often take it when I have to go somewhere during the day and cannot take the chance of either not making it out of the house at all or having to stop multiple times on the way. I’ve been working through a blockage for the last 3 days and so have not been able to take the Questran. Because of this, the diarrhea has been much more acidic than usual which is extremely painful. I finally gave in and got out the “big guns”. While it has the opposite effect of working through a blockage, my body got to the point where it just needed some rest.
    On really, really bad days I actually pull out my vaporizer and smoke the “for medicinal purposes only” weed. I’ve always been embarrassed to admit that to anyone. I think it’s a pride issue. I don’t like the fact that I’m feeling so badly that I have to give in to something that I’ve always looked down on all my life. Yes, I know my self-righteous attitude was from my mother and I’ve come to realize that it’s not the horror that I was taught to believe it was.) Well anyway, trust me, that very “horror” has saved my bacon on more than a few occasions! I take Wellbutrin daily as well as it helps me deal with the depression that this whole mess has caused. My life as I knew it a year ago is over and done with. Dead and gone. I can no longer eat dinner with my family, go to the movies, do anything on a whim, enjoy Christmas activities outside my house, go to Full Moon Rituals or Sabbats or travel to any place that doesn’t have not only bathrooms within immediate distance but it also has to have more than one stall. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve been sick to our tummies and in a public restroom and there’s a line of people outside banging on the stall door. Because stress affects my innards, to put myself in that situation would only insure that the very same people banging on my stall door would be waiting twice as long.
    So after a lengthy explanation as to how my insides work, you’ll understand what has actually happened when I say “good drugs” and pulling out the “big guns” and you’ll understand that I don’t do drugs for recreational purposes but rather to get me through the next day, hour or even minute.
    I know that Breast cancer is a big thing and there is a lot of concentrated effort on finding the cure. I so wish that there was as much concentration and effort to find the cure for Colon cancer as there is for Breast cancer. If you leave my blog with anything at all, I hope you’ll keep in mind that having your Colonoscopies is SO important. If you suspect that there’s anything at all wrong, please have it checked out. I was first diagnosed with Colon cancer (small “c” on cancer on purpose!) when I was only 33. The second time was when I was 40 and the Gallbladder followed the same year. I put off having anything checked out for almost 7 years because I was too embarrassed. Who wants to admit that they’re bleeding out of their butt? I let it go for that long and only had it checked out because I was becoming extremely anemic from loss of blood. Please take care of yourselves! I love you all.

    Blessed Be

August 7, 2012

  • Hello Again……

    Today’s Affirmation from Louise Hay’s website:   I balance my masculine and feminine sides.

    Well, it’s good to be back……….I think I took 3 years off but now I’m feeling the need to have a place just for me. To write what I feel, whether good or bad. I’ll be visiting my old haunts and I hope that I’ll find most of you still there.
    I’m different now, I’ve changed. I’ve now been through 3 battles with cancer and so far I’ve come out on top.

    I’ve had to take a disability retirement as the last surgery really made a mess of me. I’m now struggling to make it through each day and some are better than others. I’m seriously thinking about having a colostomy done just so I can have some sort of quality of life. Right now, life pretty much sucks although I try not to let it get to me. My husband is literally my rock of strength. He is just an amazing, amazing man and I am so very lucky to be married to him. Seriously, he’s the only one I’ve wanted to stay married to after 2 years!

    My oldest son D is getting ready to leave for Kuwait this Friday or Saturday. I am so going to miss him. My kids are now 19, 21 and 27 and Big D’s kids are 14, 16 and 23. They’re all growing up so fast….though at times, not fast enough!!!

    Ok, so off I go to visit you. I hope you’re still there!

    Blessed Be!

March 30, 2009

  • I think I’ve lost my yen to blog for the time being, but I’ll be checking on your sites to keep in touch. You can find me on Facebook under Jorie Meg Murray Wampler. Hope to see you there!